I think one of my earliest memories of my mum, which hasn’t come about because of home video or photographs, is of her teaching me maths. I was a daddy’s girl until the age of thirteen, this might explain it.

I remember us sitting at the top of the stairs, which is almost definitely wrong, why the fuck would we be sitting at the top of the stairs? We’ve got a whole house. Unless maybe we were, because I was four and sometimes four year olds just like to chill places, and sometimes mums want an easy life. Maybe the way to get me to do maths was to do it at the top of the stairs.

Anyway, I remember my mum teaching me about percentages at the top of the stairs and her being really pleased about how quickly I could do them in my head. That said, she shouldn’t have been surprised, because when I was still in nappies a lady came to our house to make sure I had a normal brain. After performing some basic tests, like drawing a face in a circle, the lady said she was very impressed because a lot of toddlers draw the face outside the circle. Her tests were not very rigorous, but I was clearly a genius. Side note: who was that lady? Is that a typical occurrence? Was I almost kidnapped?

Essentially, I think mum had taught me all the maths she knew by the time I was five, but it’s definitely because of her that I did really well in school. Thanks, Mum.

Also, Mum? Sorry I never tried very hard as a teenager, and I didn’t get my name written in gold on that special achievements board in high school like you always dreamed. Although I would like to point out that the guy who did get his name written in gold on the special board tried really, really hard and put a lot of work in to get those results, so does it really even count? Yes? Oh. I mean sure, that’s one perspective.

Also, also… Mum? Sorry I stopped wanting to be an accountant when I was fourteen and decided I wanted to go to Art School. That must have been incredibly disappointing. Really they shouldn’t let teenagers make that decision for themselves.

Also, also, also… Mum? Sorry that I quit Art School because I didn’t feel like I was learning anything in order to go to University, but then studied for a degree in Film. That was probably a roller-coaster of hope and disappointment. I bet that circle-face drawing lady who tried to kidnap me is turning in her grave. She’s probably not dead. She might be. Who really knows when anyone dies if you don’t know them at all.